Kathy's Story

I am the mother of a 24 year old son who has been addicted to Weed and Meth for at least 6-8 years.

I have protected him as a mother does and I know I have done more than I should have. I don't know how to stop as I feel so much pain for my son’s realities. I know now I parent from fear. I'm so scared he will take his life if I allow him to feel the pain and discomfort of his actions. I know in my head I can't stop him and It won't be my fault but I don't know that I can survive his suicide in my heart. The fear and pain for his son if that happens is consuming me.

I have been told that he is at high risk because of his father’s suicide and his addiction along with his depression. His father committed suicide when he was 6 months old. His grandfather abused his uncle. I have not chosen good relationships that I'm sure have had an impact as well.

20 Months ago our grandson was born. I had 100% faith that all would come right as he would be the most amazing dad. He would be the dad he didn't have. How wrong was I.

I grieve for the dad he's not to my grandson. I grieve for the dad he missed out on. I grieve for the son I no longer know or understand. I grieve for any women who come into contact with him as he is so disrespectful to them. I grieve for my daughter who doesn't have a real relationship with her brother.

5 months ago he went into rehab in Hamilton. I was so scared that this may be my only chance to help him. Was I sending him to the best place?. I knew if it was too hard he wouldn't stay but if it was too soft he would not get what he needed for change. His counsellor told me he was in an ambivalent mind state and that he felt he was not yet ready for change. I was so conflicted. I could get him there but more than likely it would make no difference. At the end of week one I got over 10 letters of apologies, realisations, reflections and promises. I was so happy. I hadn't felt this sense of hope in years. By week 9 when he left over 80% of his so called changes were gone. He had been able to get drugs and alcohol while at rehab, visit the casino or pokies regularly, and beat the breathalyser when returning from visits out. What had I done? So many times we are told they make their own choices yet again and again I am told he's not choosing drugs over his family it is no longer a choice for him.

He has been out 3 months and not attempted to get a job. I'm making him go to support meetings when I can. I have organised the next agency and round of counselling etc.

He tries to get out of all the meetings I have tried to set up. He has fallen back into the same group of friends. He has cross addicted with alcohol so now does all 3 not that he will admit it. He drinks and drives and believes he is invincible. Breaking the law is now becoming something that again he thinks is ok. I did tough love when he first got into drugs in his teens and that didn't help he just went further into the drug world. I wouldn't give him money so he started dealing for money.

I have given him a letter today stating I can no longer support him in this lifestyle. I don't think he will read it as he can't handle emotions. I can't talk with him as he just walks away. I believe he knows how much it is destroying me, but has managed to put up a wall that doesn't allow him to feel my pain and despair. I don't know how I'm going to stand by my letter of intent. I know I should but emotionally I have no idea if I can.

I know I am not alone in this horrifying journey but my heart has have never felt more alone.