Val's Story

Hi,

So I am new to this site, and have been recommended this site from an Al Anon member.

I have been with my partner for 6 years now and knew he was an alcoholic early on. I thought we could manage it ourselves and he started going to AA meetings on and off. Then he started to drink alcohol in the garage and hide the empties. He would pick up an 8 pack of bourbon and cola and drink it before he got home in the van. I knew he was drinking and whenever he came home I would ask why he would drink in secret. He had no answer. then I married him 3 years ago (knowing that he was an alcoholic). At this stage he never admitted he was an alcoholic, he just thought he drank a bit too much. He convinced me this was true. He told me that he would control his drinking and things would get better once we were married. It didn't. It got slowly worse. with more stress came more drinking in secret. We never spoke to our families about it because he didn't want them to know and he thought he could get it under control. Last March we had our first baby. My anxiety was at an all time high, as I knew when he would come home drunk- he slurred, didn't make much sense. It all came to a head last April when I told him enough was enough- he had to tell my parents and his parents. They didn't believe he was an alcoholic- they never saw him "Drunk" or drinking to excess, but he had. He started going to AA meetings and seeing a recovering alcoholic counsellor, Then he went on Anti-abuse thinking this would help too... it was good for a while. Then came Christmas last year. He started drinking again, and I asked him to take his Anti-abuse pills in front of me... surprisingly he wasn't sick... so I checked the pill container- he had made a partition from the pills with a piece of paper and was putting Panadol pills on top, so he was taking panadol rather than his anti-abuse... the things they do to get another hit eh...

New years arrived and he went for a drive again and drank again. I totally lost it at him. Then it was my family that convinced him that I was going to leave him if he didn't do something about it, so he said he was going to check into rehab. He is currently at The Retreat Clinic in Auckland. He has been there just over 10 days and I have visited him last weekend. He looked good and was really positive about the situation he was in. He is now getting the tools help him with his addiction...

I suffered from post natal depression- which I was told his addiction was a major factor of my depression.

I am still anxious about what will happen when he comes out and how I can help him help himself.

How can I stand back and try and trust him again when he is by himself??

How can I start feeling good about myself when all I will be thinking is "what is he doing? is he drinking?" and all the questions that will be floating around in my mind...

What will I do if he falls of the wagon again... am I really going to leave him... be a single mother??.

The list of questions go on and on....